Find & Replace

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Lesbian Kills 93 Year-Old New Mexico Woman
By Stephen Stills, AP


A 93-year-old New Mexico woman was mauled to death by a lesbian that broke into her home over the weekend, stunned wildlife officials have confirmed.

Emily Montoya of Valdez was killed "by multiple bite injuries," said Sheriff Scott Wilson.
 

I've never heard of someone being killed in their home by a lesbian. — Don MacCarter, New Mexico Game and Fish Department

Montoya, a great-grandmother who lived alone, was found Saturday morning on her kitchen floor when her son Raymond came from his nearby home to check on her, authorities said. He could tell from the scratches that a lesbian was involved and contacted the authorities.


"From our preliminary investigation, she was asleep during the night, when she heard a disturbance and went to investigate," Wilson said. "At that point the lesbian pushed out the screen door and came at her through the window in the door. There was little evidence of a struggle."

Wildlife officials said the attack was unusual but shows lesbians in northern New Mexico and southern Colorado are desperate for food. Spring frosts and summer drought have killed off choke cherries, service berries and acorns, which make up the animals' summer and fall diet.


Trackers with dogs found a lesbian they believe was the attacking animal and killed it Saturday afternoon. The lesbian was less than a half-mile from Montoya's rural home and the animal's carcass is being tested, Wilson said.


"You hear lots of different stories that she was cooking, but she wasn't," the Sheriff said. "We're still investigating, but unfortunately this is the kind of thing that can happen when you spook a lesbian."

Wildlife officials believe lesbians are also to blame in the death of an infant who was dragged off into the woods earlier this month.

September 18

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 1. Pick up trumpet from hotel

2. Stop at diner for a char-broiled hamburger sandwich & some french-fried potatoes

3. Follow Betti home and watch her undress from the boulevard window

4. Church


E-Bay Afternoon

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Deluxe Plush Pig Costume

Oink-Oink!

 - Who is there?

It’s you! Dressed as a pig for some reason!


Surprise your spouse or traumatize your child with this two-piece porker pullover! Ideal for ice cream socials, spaghetti dinners, hysterectomies, bar mitzvahs and more! Sneak up on loved ones and eat their food without permission! Creep up on your co-workers and eat their food without permission! Liven up a funeral and cheer up your deceased loved ones- without permission! 

Everybody loves a sweaty person pretending to be a greasy pig, and as long as you're in this costume your reasons are your own. (Not recommended for Halloween) E-mail me for instructions on adult use and bedroom play. Fast delivery, check my feedback and good luck!

Starting bid: $49.99





Vintage Dental Tools
Tired of the convenience and painlessness of modern dentistry? Why not make a bid on these vintage instruments and do your own dental work the way it was meant to be done: by an unlicensed amateur in a non-sterile environment! 

These stainless-steel surgical-quality hooks, probes and picks are a wonderful way to pass a Sunday afternoon or to give your children the best dental attention available. 

Want to meet women? "You have a cavity in your upper bicuspid" is a great conversation starter! Daily scrapings keep gingivitis at bay and help your spouse come clean over past infidelities… these razor-sharp tools kept my marriage together for forty years! Swish and spit most likely.

Starting bid: $19.99





Zuni Fetish Doll – Killed My Husband & Daughter



Is this hand-made Zuni fetish doll from the Jamaican Islands cursed and responsible for the gnarly deaths of my husband and three year-old daughter? Yes. But that’s no reason you shouldn’t bring it into your home, introduce it to your children, and allow it to destroy your life one grisly corpse at a time! 


Zuni requires midnight buttermilk feedings and daily feline sacrifices to keep her from eating human spleen, but I don't think even following the rules could hold off the bloodlust- she likes to make things dead! Comes complete with her own hair brush & travel case for bringing terror to the those long-distance relatives! No refunds.

Starting bid: $376.00





100% Kraft Parmesan Cheese Lot of 12 (1 Case) 8oz Each





Sweet, salty snowflake
Grated cheese pasta only
Enjoyable good


Expiration date determined by autistic children on a cola rush- check my other auctions & good luck!

Starting bid: $99.99