Wonderings...

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Eenie meenie minie moe- what was that part about the tiger again?





But female cops always give me an erection, Officer





This is the part where Easter Pig learns the true meaning of Christmas!





Every Weatherman is either a homosexual or a robot... if you don't believe me take a look at the one you're with




This antique wicker gazebo is where I pork all my lady friends





My Dad's so old he remembers when Alec Baldwin was good-looking



FOX News is the next best thing to having Dick Cheney fuck you in the ass








What are the odds that the hive is full and the bees inside are furious?








Luckily I got one of those prisons where they let you keep your harmonica





The Bishop informs me that a bloody nose is not technically stigmata






My wife has a stuttering vagina and I can't get a cock in edgewise









Somedays I piss my pants just to spite my dry-cleaner






If cats always land on their feet, how do you explain that first dozen?




Fucked Up On Love

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CARLOS ran to her house in the red midnight, picking a stone from her garden strong enough to break her window, and with his bare feet planted in her green lawn he pitched it perfect: to shatter the glass onto the floor of her bedroom.

Activity inside Maggie’s house now. Connections made, circuits ignited, light bulbs lit. Carlos heard his heart in his eardrums.

Some dog barking from the lawn next door and just a look from Carlos made it go away, made the mutt see reason from the eyes of a man lacking sanity- a better animal. Broken glass from the pane and the yellow lab retreated in humility.

Now Carlos was shouting, without language, loud enough to wake the neighborhood sleeping. It was mad babble, the true vocabulary, aimed at Maggie’s heart through the open hole in the glass. In the middle of the monologue he stepped out, beside himself, watching it all in reverse: The police releasing him from the squad car, removing the handcuffs and pulling away backwards, the blood dripping back up and inside the old woman’s head, the old woman rising back up to her feet, Carlos’ strong hands welcoming her upright instead of pushing her down, and the film continued to rewind...

The old woman in the bathrobe, free from multiple contusion, standing beside a howling Carlos, inhaling the threats back into her lungs, swallowing her anger, stepping backward across the street and up her driveway and untying the knot in her bathrobe. She walked backwards into her house and got back into bed, waiting for the noise that would wake her up. The dog wandered back onto the sidewalk, the shards of Maggie’s bedroom pane reuniting in harmony, in location, the glass window whole, the stone soaring back across the lawn and into Carlos' hand.

And he held it. And he loved it. And the whole thing made him cum.

And with his bare feet planted in Maggie's green lawn he pitched the stone perfect: to shatter the glass onto the floor of her bedroom.

The neighbors all came out to watch Carlos get carted away. They stood silent, blinking in the cruiser’s pulsing light. Carlos looked out the back of the police car and saw Maggie, saw her on her front lawn in her nightgown, sobbing quietly and hugging her Father. As the cruiser pulled away he closed his eyes and saw her again, through the jagged gash of her bedroom window, smiling down at him in gratitude, for breaking through, for saving her, her hand beneath her nightgown and over her breast.

She blew him a kiss, and he knew what was real.

Critics Speak: Oscar Wrap-Up


 Hugo

“[Which one of them] was supposed to be Hugo?”

“Like being trapped inside a giant clock and forced to watch ‘Hugo’”

“Weekend At Marty’s”

“Featuring a robot for some reason”

“I [plum forgot] before I got to the parking lot”

“A 3D PBS pledge-drive for film preservation”

“Seriously… [which one of those] was Hugo?”





The Artist

“I don’t watch Turner Classic Movies and this is exactly why!”


“                                                                      !!!”


“One adult and two deaf-mutes, please!”

“Silence is golden and so is this shower”

“[Seven stars] says my nephew who is currently in Tampa”

“More fun than hijacking a bulldozer!”

“Silent movies give me time to reflect on my sham marriage”





Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close

“What is my grandmother’s television set?”


“A wonderful fantasy for [those] in denial that 9/11 was an inside job!”

“Papa says: a Redbox”

“A squeaky, freaky sequel to ‘Sleepless In Seattle’”

“Bullock sharpens her nipples in another stab at glory”

“Punishment for having eyeballs”

“If only [the kid] had been in Building 2”






Moneyball

“Two strikes and no balls”

“[I just] love baseball movies with no baseball!”


“Baseball finally makes the giant leap from sport to hypothetical algebraic equation!”

“Goodtime summertime boomerang bath mat!”

“Brad takes a break from learning the kids’ names to bunt foul”

“Much more important than a cinematic expose on the steroid era”

“[This is why] Oakland has all those World Championships”