A-Rod In Germany


“It’s my knee, Doctor...”

“Ya, I can see it.” This German doctor was looking over the MRI’s, the X-rays, the CT scans... used to be on paper but now it’s a laptop, now he has to navigate with arrows and the mousepad-

“Can somebody get me a Red Bull?”

The Doctor, shaking his head, scratching his beard, calling for his secretary Mina. Mina, dark hair and lipstick, pausing to look at the superstar in the leather chair, an extra blink. A-Rod’s eyes were on his iPhone.

“Can you get a Red Bull soda for our patient please?”

Mina nodded, and turned to get her coat with an extra bit of swivel just in case, and then out into the hallway and the cold of Magdeburg Street, a slow snow starting to fall on a Friday morning.

Dr. Zummayer waited until the door closed, and only a German accent can stop a man from texting.

“So you want to undergo the therapy?”

“Yes, Doctor.”

“It’s much more than the plasma, you understand-”

“Hm-I’m beginning to see that.”

The Doctor stood up.

“This is mental. This is spiritual. This is total. This is not about committing yourself for your job, for your game, or your image. This is now about your soul... you must find it... together we will heal it. You live in a cannibalistic culture... a very dangerous time... if you are not prepared to surrender yourself to the treatment, to the specifications... you need not waste my time. Or yours.”

The laptop digitally chirped an incoming message for the Doctor.

“If you fight me... you will win. But you will never play like a champion again. You must learn how to lose. You must learn how to let go... ”

Alex stood up then, his cell phone falling to the carpet. “I'll do it," and then, "I'll do it."

He looked down at his cell. "Will I get my swing back?”

The Doctor took a breath before smiling. “I promise nothing.”



The Circus Murders


.

“I’m not going to the circus this year, Dad.” And Fructose meant it.

Dad took the hookah from his mouth and sat straight up. “What?!?”

“I’m not going to the circus this year. I don’t ever want to go to the circus again!” Fructose threw his car keys down on the sofa, where they bounced and landed on the living room carpet.

Dad looked heartbroken. “No circus? Why the hell not?”

“Do you remember what happened last year? Mom got eaten by a lion! And the year before that? Uncle Ray was crushed by that elephant! Do you remember the year the bear got loose, cracked your vertebrae in half and put you in that wheelchair?!?”

Dad looked down, almost surprised, almost as if he’d forgotten he was paralyzed. “Was that how this happened?”

“Do you remember when the clown went nuts and started shooting into the crowd and killed my fiancĂ©?”

“That clown saved you from a bad marriage...”

“Do you remember when the tent collapsed and put Tommy in a coma? Do you remember when Aunt Christie choked to death on a candy apple and the bearded lady just stood there laughing? I’m starting to get a phobia about the circus, Dad... I just don’t want to go anymore.”

“Welp, that’s your choice,” he said, taking a long drag on his waterpipe, “but if you don’t go you’ll miss the puppets and the horses, the dancing bears and the clowns... you’ll miss the trapeze artists and the tightrope walkers. You’ll miss the whole show!”

Neither of them spoke as the apple smoked slow in the hookah bowl.

Dad added with a wink, “And you’ll miss the cotton candy.”

Fructose sighed, agitated. “And what happens if you don’t survive?”

Dad smiled back. “Next year you go without me.”

Fructose stared into the smoke, hypnotized. A smile unfolded on his face and he bent to get his keys. "Let's go to the goddamn circus."

 
.

Christmas Wonderings





On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me: blistering gonorrhea





Holiday Tip #405: Christmas Carolers don't seem to like being greeted at the door with a boiling pan of olive oil






Frosty just doesn’t look right since the gastric bypass...






Candy Canes are perfect for those hard-to-reach places





...but he was no longer just a cow, he was now The Cow That Saved Christmas. The End.




Good news for jealous Jews: Christmas has been cancelled!







Shame on you, Santa Claus, for raping my daughter yet again








Christmas: When Jesus came back from the dead to turn water into eggnog










And though it’s been said many times, many ways, I need you to back your Kia off of my granddaughter







I’ve been kind of a Grinch since I woke up to find Santa’s charred corpse in the chimney





Shitneck’s heartfelt speech filled us all with the true spirit of Christmas




Bad News: That wasn’t figgy pudding