..Crisp lettuce, my ass- this is aluminum foil!
Which one of us is gonna wake up Motherfucker?
I slap my kid every day, because you never know when he’s gonna get it
Free Bernie Madoff!
Life is like a string of pearls that is choking me to death for some reason
I put an ice-cream sandwich between my wife’s thighs and she’s like, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?”
Please ignore the blind alcoholic currently destroying my apartment
How many pounds of pressure do you think it would it take to crush Bon Jovi’s skull?
Marriage is like prison without the sodomy
Children are a blessing... especially at these prices
If there's no business like show business why hasn't Sarah Silverman been shot in the face?
Note To Self: The SWAT team doesn't have a sense of humor
Do I have to wait until I get home or can I break this gerbil’s neck right here in the pet store?
Yes, Nanny chainsmokes… but the twins don’t seem to mind
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