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The best part of Tourette’s Syndrome is GO FUCK YOURSELF

Secret of the Day: childbirth is painless

Break out the butterfly nets- Grandpa gained access to the rocketpack

Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex, then ask her what she’s doing Saturday night

Mafia hit men- do they ever knock?!?

Cream cheese has become my go-to lubricant

There’s no way I’m opening that coffin for less than fifty bucks…

It was Colonel Mustard with the candlestick… and I’m still sore

Bocce is Italian for "lawn testicles"

“Too rich for my blood”? Just fold, assbasket

I glue quarters to the bottom of the pool just to watch my kids turn purple

The night is young and I am bursting with bodily fluids