The Films Of Egg Begley, Jr. (Pt. 4)

Bobby Jo & The Good Time Band

In this movie Egg plays Virgil the Jug Boy, an enthusiastic misfit with a love of drink and bluegrass music. Nobody guzzles hooch like Eggy, especially when the script tells him it’s acceptable to do so. Egg also learned how to play the jug specifically for the role, and he got so good the producers momentarily considered not hiring a professional jug player to come in and overdub every one of Egg’s notes, which they eventually did anyway. He is the Eggman… I am the walrus, goo-goo-goo-joob!

Roll Out
This was Egg’s first TV lead, the role that was supposed to make his name a household word, a household word different than the other egg that is a household word. Sadly, “Roll Out” was a disaster from the get-go. Egg was Lt. Robert Chapman, all alone in an African-American cast, trying desperately to steal laughs from the “brothers” who nicknamed him, predictably, 'Eggwhite.'
“Yeah, there was hostility,” recalls co-star Garrett Morris, “Egg flipped out when he learned he wasn’t the tallest member of the cast- the dude wouldn’t come out of his dressing room for sixteen hours. What was he doing in there? We just didn’t know.” Five episodes later, the show was cancelled due to confusion. Roll out, Egg…

Egg was back in action-packed television as Ernie, a dope-pusher with a mean left hook and a soft spot for semi-automatic weapons. In the episode’s finale Egg holds a nine year-old hostage on a highway overpass. “Put down the gun, Ernie,” says Baretta, “don’t make me fill you full of lead.” Egg unwisely calls Baretta’s bluff, and Baretta shoots both him and the child, sending Egg tumbling over the guardrail to his death. There’s more than one way to crack an Egg…

Stay Hungry
It’s Egg vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger! Well, not really, because that would last less than a minute, and this movie is an hour forty-two. But Egg and Arnie do meet in the gym sequence, when Egg’s character Lester the Towel Boy bumps into Arnie’s character Joe Santo. “Why don’t you watch where you are walking, you pathetic little nerd?” asks Arnie, and Egg runs off to the laundry room to savor hot shame in private. Hasta la vista, Egg.

Egg plays Pvt. Paul Conway, a sensitive soldier who takes his own life after being paralyzed from the nose down by a grenade blast. He finds the lighter side of quadriplegia, popping wheelchair wheelies, rocking wheelchair jumps, and even playing wheelchair kickball before dousing himself in lighter fluid and flicking his Bic. Rage against the machine, Egg!

Laverne & Shirley
Egg stoops to the boob tube to portray Bobby Feeney, a trembling kleptomaniac intent on stealing Laverne & Shirley’s virginity, or at least puncturing their hymens to comedic effect. The New York Times called Egg’s performance, “passable,” so the man is nothing if not consistent. Egg refused to snort blow at the after-party and as a result he was banned for life from Garry Marshall productions. Luckily, no one cared.

Quincy, ME

Egg played Walter “Speed” Simpson, and- wait, that doesn’t sound right. Really? Okay. Egg was the corpse of a track star that was dug up by Quincy after Quincy failed to perform an accurate autopsy the first time around. No one stares up at the ceiling as lifelessly as Egg, and this is where he proves it to you.

Private Lessons

A small role in a small film, for which Egg was paid entirely in Fig Newtons. Here he’s Jack Travis, a dispatcher at a limousine company whose catchphrase “I’ll see you tomorrow” never quite swept the nation the way Egg hoped it would. During the shoot Egg was caught stealing irregular blazers from the costume department, and studio security punished him by riding him around the lot on a golf cart with the word “Stickyfingers” written across his shirt in magic marker. Put me down for a forty long, Egg…

Transylvania 6-5000
This was it! The undisputed highlight of Egg’s career! For nine days in 1985 Egg was the hottest star in Hollywood, the most respected actor on the planet. He turns in a spectacularly funny performance in a retro-horror comedy about the rebirth of Frankenstein. The only downside to the shoot was that whenever Egg forgot one of his lines his co-star Jeff Goldblum would slap his face so hard it brought tears to his eyes. Still, after a smash of this magnitude Egg’s future looked bright. Egg couldn’t possibly blow it now… or could he?

George Burns Comedy Week

A mighty mistake. You’re never too old to be young, at least according to Egg. He guest-starred on George Burns’ short-lived variety show as Tiny Timothy, a stuttering teenage speedfreak and the butt of Mr. Burns’ moldy punchlines. “That’s the problem with you hippies,” croaked George, gumming his sopping stogie, “you’re only interested in peace, love, and smoking the wacky tobbackee!” This humiliating performance set Egg’s career back twenty years, which was tragic because he had only been working for fifteen. Say goodnight, Eggy…

Egg plays Bob, husband to Roseanne Barr’s character. During the shoot Roseanne fell head over heels in love with Egg, who refused her affection due to the fact that Ms. Barr did not drive an electric car. Roseanne countered by slipping a laxative into Egg’s coffee, giving him crippling diarrhea for two solid weeks. Don’t squeeze the Charmin, Egg…

The New Adventures Of Old Christine
Egg takes it to the hoop playing Pastor Ed, a pastor who is evidently named Ed. Egg offsets the starchy stereotypes about clergy by performing a five-minute sequence of trick basketball shots that stirs the non-existent studio audience into a frenzy of applause. Julia Louis-Dreyfus recalls working with the elusive Egg: “I offered him a glass of carrot juice at the craft service table and he broke down in tears.”
Stability is a noble goal, Egg… and we’ll be with you every step of the way.


World's Worst Comedian

If you have time to kill on the internet (and why the hell else would you be here?) you owe it to yourself to check out Darrell Bluett, the World's Worst Comedian.

Why is he the World's Worst? Because he isn't funny. At all. Not even accidentally. His "jokes" are comic slipknots that disintegrate as they're being told... just as light cannot exist in a black hole, the man is a human void of humor. Where jokes go to die...

Here he is... don't say I didn't warn you... Ladies & Gentleman... Darrell Bluett!

The Films Of Egg Begley, Jr. (Pt. 3)

Egg was Youngblood, the rookie G-man who lets Al Capone slip through his fingers because he leaves his post to get a hamburger sandwich and some french fried potatoes. For the rest of the episode Youngblood is berated by his fellow agents until he finally takes his own life by jumping down an elevator shaft. Egg did the stunt himself and injured his tendon, and he’s never been able to surf since. Hang ten, Egg

Love, American Style
Egg reaches puberty in this episode of “Love, American Style,” but predictably, he fails to hatch. He plays Fuzzy, a lovestruck teen with acne and an erection that won’t take no for an answer. Egg takes his date out to the ice cream social, and everything is fine until Egg is forced to jam his bodacious boner into the carton of Cookies & Cream. The ice cream soothes his aching stinger, but his behavior brings the party to a screeching halt. Two scoops, Egg… two scoops…

Medical Center
Egg played Greg.

Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman
Here Egg played Steve, a manic-depressive TV weatherman with a pocketful of peanut M&M’s. His character’s catchphrase: “Partly-sunny with a chance of suicide,” was rendered humorless by Egg’s lifeless delivery. Series star Louise Lasser shares, “None of us knew the real Egg…and [believe me,] we looked. He was just always… elsewhere.” Egg Begley, your life is calling…

Charlie’s Angels
Egg played Kenny the Rogue Zamboni Boy in the controversial episode “Angels On Skates.” He attempts to flatten Jaclyn Smith in a skating rink while traveling at five miles an hour. She survives, and Egg is captured by the policepeople before the second act. Patience, Egg!

The Smurfs
I swear to God… I’m not making it up. Egg was a Smurf. Begley gave voice to Bagley Smurf, a Smurf so in love with Smurfette that he asked her to marry him. His vocal performance was so moving it could bring tears to your eyes, providing you were already crying about something else. Strangely enough, children rejected Egg’s character and refused to buy the action figure. Producers were forced to kill Bagley Smurf off by having Gargamel crush him with his shoe. What’s the matter with kids these days, Egg?

This Is Spinal Tap
According to showbiz legend, Egg didn’t realize he was making a mockumentary, and actually believed he was joining a real band! “Egg would ask me every day when Spinal Tap’s new record would be coming out in stores,” remembers Director Rob Reiner, “and he seemed strangely disappointed at the cast party when he learned we wouldn’t be touring the Midwest.” This time around the yolk was on Egg.

The Love Boat
Egg hits the high seas as a guest on “The Love Boat,” and the seas hit back. Egg is Allen Bundy, a sex offender who has been sentenced to a cruise as part of his community service. When several of the little girls on board the ship go missing, Egg becomes the prime suspect. But the episode ends happily when it is revealed that Egg was not guilty of molesting the girls at all… they simply slipped off the shuffleboard deck and drowned peacefully in the ocean. Anchors aweigh, Egg!

Walt Disney’s Wonderful World Of Color
Also known as “Egg Single-Handedly Destroys Race Relations In America.” Somehow Egg landed the role of Amos Tucker, a black man in the Old South raising a half-dozen mischievous orphans. He performed the role in blackface, with an offensive stereotypical accent. He made the cover of Time Magazine in August of 1989 with the caption “Bad Egg” superimposed over his face. Today Egg blames the whole incident on a blood-sugar imbalance, and has since apologized profusely to both the NBA and the United Negro College Fund. An Egg is a terrible thing to waste…

The Egg Begley, Jr. Show
Egg finally gets his own show, a chance to showcase all of his great ideas! If only he had any… Egg surrenders to the man by playing Egg ‘Hobo’ Hobart, a slapdash character described by Variety as, “a narcoleptic circus clown on Vicodin.” Egg responded to the criticism by locking himself in the toilet and singing Supertramp’s greatest hits. The show was cancelled after only one episode and Egg was escorted outside studio property by two burly security guards. Take the long way home, Egg.

Pineapple Express
Egg nails the role of Robert, even down to the playful haircut, which showcases Egg at his sexy best. Egg accepted the role because he assumed the film would be shot in Hawaii, but assuming made an ass out of Egg. Still, he plays the role of a cell-phone salesman who just won’t take no for an answer, and he almost convinces you he’s someone other than Egg, which for him is no easy task. Aloha, Egg…

Hannah Montana
Egg drops by to act the role of Woody, the bus driver who brings Hannah and her friends on a class trip to Washington, DC. Egg became profoundly offended when Miley Cyrus made poot during rehearsal, and as a result refused to speak a line of dialogue in the episode. Instead, Egg’s character communicates only through a series of meaningful shrugs and motionless pantomime. Simon says: ‘Egg’!!!


The Critics Speak

Tron: Legacy

“Forget everything you never remembered about Tron!”

"Only 28 more years until Tron 3!"

“Entertainment and a seizure – for $10!”

“Like a screensaver wired to a car battery”

“[Pretending to] like the Tron is very popular right now!”

“Better than the original… but then, what isn’t?”


“Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, B, A, Start = [I love] this movie!!”

The Black Swan

"The dark side of prancing in tutus"

“Will inspire eating-disorders for an entire generation of teenage girls!”

“Portman will always be that little girl we knew on Naboo”

"I smell an Oscar nomination and some sort of seafood dish"

“The implication of pedophilia has never been more graceful”

“Black Swan by ugly ducking via ludicrous peacock”

“Came out of my coma in time to catch the credits”

“A bridal shower for the criminally insane”

Yogi Bear

“It ain’t over till it’s been CGI’d”

“Where’s Miss Piggy?”

“How did they get Aykroyd in the bear suit?”

“That’s so Yogi!”

"[Finally...] Aykroyd and Timberlake as CGI bears"

"My kids were lost from the get-go!"

"Like a pantful of warm oatmeal on a cold winter morning"

“Furious… mystical, [verging on] Holy… alert the Vatican of yet another miracle”

Little Fockers

“The trilogy is complete…and so is this sentence!”

"At least there's no one to meet this time"

"Stiller Vs. The Toilet: Round 17"

“Fock me and pass the popcorn!”

“CGI DeNiro fooled me completely”

“At this point, don’t they owe us the price of admission?”

“Like a big BM with the bathroom door open!”

“The whoopee cushion sequence was comedy bronze!”

The Films Of Egg Begley, Jr. (Part 2)

Owen Marshall: Counselor At Law
“Owen Marshall: Counselor At Law” was a show about a man named Owen Marshall, who was a Counseler At Law. Egg plays Howard, the backward bailiff who accidentally fires his gun in a crowded courtroom, paralyzing a paralegal and killing a Federal judge. Egg spends the rest of the episode hiding under his bed, until Owen Marshall talks him out with the promise of sherbert. TV Guide called this “an episode to avoid.” Out of order, Egg.

Egg plays Attendant, a demanding role with a single, harrowing line of dialogue: “He’s in the blue Continental, Mr. Walters.” Later in the episode Egg is seen leaning up against a brick wall with a toothpick in his mouth, perhaps the definitive image of Egg as a young rebel. Or else he had something stuck in his teeth.

Evil Roy Slade
Egg does it again in a TV movie that had audiences laughing, slightly, before they turned it off and went to bed. There’s a certain magic whenever Egg plays a cowboy… maybe it’s because he’s such a natural. With his lanky build and Nordic good looks, Egg fits the Old West like a six-gun fits its holster. Yee-haw, Egg… yee-haw!


Egg landed the much-coveted role of Jimmy Sanders, a blind boy who helps wheelchair-bound Raymond Burr solve the case of the missing blackberry pie. Egg and Burr got along famously, mixing each other’s chocolate milk during breaks between takes and singing public domain songs in call-and-response style. Producers banned him from the show for the rest of its run. London Bridge is falling down, Egg…

Happy Days
Egg WAS Hank, regardless of what the critics at The New York Times, San Francisco Chronicle, Time Magazine, Washington Post, or TV Guide had to say in their scathing reviews. So what if Hank sodomizes Richie Cunningham and The Fonz during an intiation ceremony, all the while forcing Ralph Malph to watch? It was a role and Egg played it. End of story, morning glory.

Who says you can’t go home again? Egg, among others. Here he plays Tom Peeples, the Cockfighter’s Understudy, waiting in the wings, amongst the sweat and feathers and tobacco spittle, ready to bring his cock out if his master’s cock should fail to perform… It doesn’t, though, and Egg does nothing in this picture.

Starsky & Hutch
Egg plays Harv Schwab, a ghetto-wise streetbeater with two fingers in heaven and a toe in the 7-Up dispenser. Sample dialogue includes: “Ain’t no thang,” “Gimme jus’ e’nuff to see Jesus,” and “Wiggy figure, Mrs. Epstein.” Egg ate chicken and waffles to prepare for the role, but in his heart he lusted after flapjacks. Leggo Egg’s Eggo…

Battlestar Galactica
Deep Space Egg plays Sgt. Greenbean, a tactical officer on the bridge of a starship, spotting Cylons, obliterating intruders and keeping his gaseous emissions to himself. The character of Sgt. Greenbean, a fan favorite, was disintegrated after Egg asked producers for more money and a contract extension. Foul ball, Egg… foul ball…

The New Adventures Of Wonder Woman
Egg played Harold Farnum, a curious villain who tried to destroy Wonder Woman by dancing her to death. (Didn’t take.) Egg was fired after producers caught him spying on Lynda Carter through a peephole in her dressing room, pleasuring himself and singing the show’s theme song. Egg at his scrambled best.


A TV movie about Elvis Presley… and guess who plays the lead?!? Kurt Russell. You didn’t think it was Egg, did you? Let’s get serious. Our favorite ova plays DJ Fontana, a Mississippi disc jockey who refuses to play Elvis’ records because he claims The King drank out of his Coke bottle without asking permission first. Egg has left the building…



Have you seen my daughter's impression of a coked-up prostitute?

Vengeance is mine, but occasionally I loan it to my neighbor

      If a tree falls in the woods and I don't give a shit can I go home now?

Fungus views my underwear as its summer home

Heads up: The bib is coming back in a big way

Shame on you, Santa Claus, for raping my daughter yet again

I always take a lethal dump before the plumber comes, just to get my money's worth

It's official: Puerto Rican teens still give the world's fastest handjobs

Church helps me see things from Satan's point of view

If my wife can take a hot dog in two bites why is fellatio such a baffling ordeal?

Ugly people of my neighborhood: please seek alternate housing!

The Films Of Egg Begley, Jr. (Pt. I)

My Three Sons
This was it! Egg’s first screen appearance! He guest-stars on “My Three Sons” as Marv, a computer hacker who tries to dupe Chip and Ernie into embezzling money from an orphanage. Fred MacMurray foils the scheme and gives Egg a lecture that puts him- and the audience- into an instant coma. Sweet dreams, Egg… sweet dreams…

The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes
In this forgettable film Egg played Student, a student who sits in class listening to the teacher. Egg, as usual, nailed the performance. He begged producers to give his character a name but there simply wasn’t enough money in the budget. A devastated Egg swore he would not reprise his role in the sequel, which was lucky, because there was none. Fragile Egg… if you crack him does he not yolk?

The Immortal
Egg guest starred on this ABC adventure series, playing Attendant, giving a performance so outrageously brilliant that no one in the world took notice. He rebelled by eating an entire bag of potatoes while sitting on the hood of his ’66 Buick. That’ll learn ‘em, Egg…

The Bill Cosby Show
Here Egg played Student #2, the first white student in the classroom to stand up and join Bill Cosby’s Electric Boogaloo Troupe of Higher Education, which is exactly what you think it is. The other white students taunt #2 by hurling lunchboxes and adjustable wrenches at him, but the groove turns out to be eternal. Just ask Egg.

Egg plays “Bud,” a wanna-be cop who gets humiliated by the cops who are already cops but don’t wanna be cops-cops. This was a classic case of life imitating art. Or something. Egg’s performance was so poor that he was banned from portraying police officers for the rest of his life by the Screen Actor’s Guild, and we’ll never talk about it again. Just the facts, Egg…

Now You See Him, Now You Don’t
Could any movie title be a better metaphor for Egg’s career? This movie was about a young man who invents an invisibility spray, and Egg played Druffle, the lead character’s best friend. His most memorable line? “Can I try some of that stuff, Dexter? PLEASE?!?” Who’s invisible now? Someone named Egg.

Where Does It Hurt?
A hospital comedy in which Egg displays his talents as an orderly with an urgent pelvic itch that cannot be ignored no matter what else is going on in the scene or storyline. Egg scratches hard, the kind of hard that can get a young Swedish boy banned from a film set, but didn’t. You got lucky, Egg.

Here Egg touched our hearts as Young Man, the young man in the pharmacy who overhears that Maude is going through menopause and gets pelted with maxi-pads for the next several minutes. Producers were going to ask Egg to reprise his role in the follow-up episode “Hysterecto Me” but Egg declined, stating he was meeting friends that night for Chinese food. Stay free, Egg… stay free.

Egg played Pook, a rough and tumble stable-boy to Rock Hudson’s Cowboy Chuck. From “Rock Remembers” (Harper/Collins): ‘Egg was a hard-working actor, who may or may not have believed he was an actual farmhand… no one could shovel sh-t faster than Egg, and his melodic whistling got me through a very difficult shoot.’ Egg gives good memory.

The Doris Day Show
Egg played Wally, the heroin-addicted next-door neighbor who always wanted to borrow ten buckets for a quick fix. His character was written off the show when Egg hit on Naomi Stevens, the actress who played Juanita. Too soon, Egg… too soon...