No Sex For Alyssa Milano

I met her in the Union Square Barnes & Noble, where I had been sitting in a plush chair, reading a book on baseball I was too poor to afford.

"Excuse me," she said, sitting, "you'll have to excuse me."

I looked across the coffee table to the public sofa upon which Alyssa Milano- television actress- was now sitting.

She was shaking.

She was swallowing hard.

"I don't mean to bother you... I know you're just here reading..." She pulled her hair back.

"What gave me away?" I asked Canada-Dry, and Alyssa laughed. Loud.

So loud a black woman in Astrology looked up from her spirit guide.

Alyssa's eyelids fluttered, and as she held the hem of her skirt she asked my name. I told her, and she asked if I wanted to join her in the cafe.

"I'll buy you a coffee drink," she smiled, her fingernails stroking her neck.

"No," I told her, standing up from my soft chair.

"It's not just coffee," she said, rising to her feet, "I'll invite you back to my place afterward."

"No thanks." I grabbed my jacket.

She got serious then, licking her lips. "I don't think you understand. I like you- a lot. I want to buy you coffee and take you home and ravage your body... make love to you until you're too weak to stand. I don't do this with a lot of guys... I never do this."

I checked the time on my cell. "I really have to go."

She seemed angry as I stepped past her, she stood and followed as I headed toward the stairs.

"I don't understand this- are you married?"




"Do you know what you're doing? Do you have any clue what you'll be missing?"

I turned to face her then, ending the chase, genuinely annoyed. "Look, you're a beautiful woman. And very famous... but I'm just not into you. I'm sure you can find yourself another guy, Alyssa..."

She was seething, her teeth locked tight- I heard the scratch in her voice. "I don't want another goddamn guy... I want you."

I slipped the baseball book into the waistband of my pants and tucked it under my shirt. "Sorry, babe... I gotta go." I stepped on the escalator down and she called after me, furious. Every shopper in the store was staring up as she screamed out over the rail.

"I'm from Hollywood! I am genuinely wealthy! I was on "Who's The Boss!!!"

A toddler started crying as I made my way towards the door. Alyssa's voice carried on from above.

"You can't do this to me! Do you know who I am? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?!?"

I was already out on the street and getting into a cab but I could still hear her screaming from inside.

"I will tell you who I am!!! 

Tough Lunches of the 21st Century (Wildcard)

Date: November 5th, 2001
Location: Corner of Atlantic & Tresser Boulevards

Blindly following an entry in my appointment book made in unknown handwriting, I sat on a bench with a schizophrenic vagrant named Mungo Jerry and prepared Fluffernutter sandwiches for us both. The brisk scent of urine made this lunch a very visceral experience, and Mungo was less violent than I expected, attempting murder only twice by lunging at my throat with a spork. The rest of the time we drank Hawaiian Punch and sang folk songs. Mungo showed me his teeth, and after he returned them to his pocket I said, “Friendship.”

“Kangaroo pussy!” he howled back, but I knew this was his way of saying, “Same.”


The Maroneck Newsletter

- Comings & goings in our favorite crazy town - 
[May Edition]

“I” Before “E” (Except After Bee)

A spelling bee will be held on the 14th of next month for children 12 and under. Prizes will be given to the winners. Muffins & orange juice will be served to family members of losing children. Bring your cameras!

Bark In The Park
Maroneck has gone to the dogs- the pet dogs!
Now your pooches can come frolic & play at the newly-reopened Maroneck Dog Park. Thanks to the generous support of local citizens we have repaired most of the flood damage and reseeded almost an acre of fresh grass, so your genial bowser can run, jump & fetch in style. Please no wolverines.

Where The Pickle Meets the Slaw

Jody V from Jody V's Diner on Echo Boulevard says come on down- and bring your appetite! For food! Jody V's offers a full menu of delicious edibles ranging from hamburger sandwiches to scrambled eggs. You haven't experienced the magic of Maroneck until you've tasted one of Jody's famous tuna fish sandwiches! Mention this ad for 10% off any meal, excluding breakfast and dinner. 
Now serving Coca-Cola.

Strumming & Humming In Maroneck

It’s that time of year again: Winston Kodiak’s Annual Banjo Jamboroo will take place on the fifth of next month at Dorothy Heroy Park. If you like the sharp twang of a banjo and sitting in absolute silence you’ll love the music of “Pluck” Kodiak, who tells us: “I have planted seeds of bluegrass all over the world, [but they] always grow best in Maroneck!” (Tickets $49, No punks)

Hot Dog Dan: "I'm the hot dog man!"

(Since 2014)

Uncle Barnaby's Magic Time

Presto! Chango! Abracadabra & Hocus Pocus! These are all words you can have shouted at you if you buy your tickets to Uncle Barnaby's Summer Show in the Maroneck Village Square. Kids, children & young adults under nine will be astounded at the mind-blowing tricks & wondrous perplexibles of our own hometown illusionist. Parents can come too! Uncle Barnaby will even choose several lucky audience members to help assist him onstage with his fantastic amazements! 
(No heckling, watches will not be returned.)

Life in Maroneck just keeps getting crazier… be sure to check in next month for more outrageous events!