No Sex For Alyssa Milano

I met her in the Union Square Barnes & Noble, where I had been sitting in a plush chair, reading a book on baseball I was too poor to afford.

"Excuse me," she said, sitting, "you'll have to excuse me."

I looked across the coffee table to the public sofa upon which Alyssa Milano- television actress- was now sitting.

She was shaking.

She was swallowing hard.

"I don't mean to bother you... I know you're just here reading..." She pulled her hair back.

"What gave me away?" I asked Canada-Dry, and Alyssa laughed. Loud.

So loud a black woman in Astrology looked up from her spirit guide.

Alyssa's eyelids fluttered, and as she held the hem of her skirt she asked my name. I told her, and she asked if I wanted to join her in the cafe.

"I'll buy you a coffee drink," she smiled, her fingernails stroking her neck.

"No," I told her, standing up from my soft chair.

"It's not just coffee," she said, rising to her feet, "I'll invite you back to my place afterward."

"No thanks." I grabbed my jacket.

She got serious then, licking her lips. "I don't think you understand. I like you- a lot. I want to buy you coffee and take you home and ravage your body... make love to you until you're too weak to stand. I don't do this with a lot of guys... I never do this."

I checked the time on my cell. "I really have to go."

She seemed angry as I stepped past her, she stood and followed as I headed toward the stairs.

"I don't understand this- are you married?"




"Do you know what you're doing? Do you have any clue what you'll be missing?"

I turned to face her then, ending the chase, genuinely annoyed. "Look, you're a beautiful woman. And very famous... but I'm just not into you. I'm sure you can find yourself another guy, Alyssa..."

She was seething, her teeth locked tight- I heard the scratch in her voice. "I don't want another goddamn guy... I want you."

I slipped the baseball book into the waistband of my pants and tucked it under my shirt. "Sorry, babe... I gotta go." I stepped on the escalator down and she called after me, furious. Every shopper in the store was staring up as she screamed out over the rail.

"I'm from Hollywood! I am genuinely wealthy! I was on "Who's The Boss!!!"

A toddler started crying as I made my way towards the door. Alyssa's voice carried on from above.

"You can't do this to me! Do you know who I am? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?!?"

I was already out on the street and getting into a cab but I could still hear her screaming from inside.

"I will tell you who I am!!! 

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