I think we're at that point in the relationship where the next natural step would be to devour each other's genitals

Did You Know? Gwyneth Paltrow doesn't shit

Spent the weekend teaching my dog to say awesome

This town has been coconuts since the prison break

Virtual Reality really seems to have stalled at the "giant helmet" stage

The nuns call me Soulpatch

Just ate my weight in Combos… please dial 911

You can judge the awkward at a birthday party by the number of candle jokes

Get this- the upstairs butler thinks I'm spoiled!

Parents of America, please relax: Your missing children were probably just raped and murdered

The clitoris is a myth, right?


Blisters On My Fingers

“Where have you been- I’ve been here for fifteen minutes.”

“White trash.”

“That’s where I been. With Elvis.”

“You were with Elvis? What the fuck are you talking about?”

"I just saw him. Him. Elvis Presley.”

“Would you sit down? People are looking...”


“Where were you?”

“I saw him. Jesus Christ. I saw Elvis Presley.”

“Which one? Wait- you saw Elvis or Jesus?”

“Jesus is dead you idiot. I saw Elvis. The real one.”

“You saw the real Elvis? What did he say?”

“He said ‘ELVIS!!!’

“He said ‘Elvis’?!?’ That doesn’t sound like him...”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, why would he say his own name? It’s too obvious.”

“No, he said it in a different way. He nodded and said “Elvis!” like how you would say it when you first arrived. He was confident he knew who he was....”

“I know who I am but I don’t walk around saying ‘Billy!!!’”

“Because nobody cares about Billy. So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying it doesn’t sound right...”

“That’s the way it happened.”

“And where did you see him?”

“At the sushi place. I was on my way out and he was just walking in. He was with this beautiful blonde.”

“But why would he say his own name?”


“Ego? He fakes his own death, disappears for 35 years and then he comes out of hiding for salmon and avocado? And he introduces himself to a total stranger by saying his own name?”

“There’s a lot you don’t know.”

“You know... I think I really like sushi. Like really like it- like I’m not just pretending anymore.”

“Yeah. Me too. And it didn’t happen right away.”

“Sushi is good. What do you say we stop off at Hokkaido for a little midnight snack?”

“I would say great minds think alike.”



“I'm just sayin...”


Dear Dad...


Dear Dad,

How are you? I am good. Remember that serial killer that’s been slaughtering everyone in the city for the last three years? They caught him I think. I accidentally saturated the Mailman with my garden hose (every day last month) and now he’s refusing to deliver our mail. I went down to the post office to complain but the postmaster said “piss-poor” and forced me out of his office.

Grandma’s pregnant, which comes as sort of a surprise. She won’t tell us who the Father is but Mom thinks it’s the butcher's boy. Aunt Lupe thinks Grandma might even carry this one to term. If she does have the kid she'll probably sell it for cigarette money, so the whole thing is what Ed Begley Jr. might call a "mixed blessing."

Did you ever leave word on who got the bottle of ketchup? I ask this because Hans and I have been coming to blows lately… he won’t stay on his side of the house, and I almost slit his throat defending the honey mustard. Also I forgot how to shave: If you could fax me detailed instructions it sure would help. Or you could even call me, if you wanted to. I keep your headshot on the wall so I can remember what you look like. It helps...

My aquarium membership expired… it's just as well since an octopus escaped from one of the tanks and has been terrorizing the tourists. He hasn't killed anyone important yet... he only seems interested in spreading the truth of 9/11 and using his tentacles to stun sheep. I can relate.
Some guy named Malfeasy keeps stopping by, claims you owe him $13.50. Should I pay him or call his bluff about burning the house down?

Do you remember that time I told you about converting the basement into an 80's-style video arcade and you agreed fully? It happened. So I did it. Scored 8,000 on Elevator Action but Hans won't let me play Q-Bert. Also can I borrow some quarters?

I’m not gonna lie to you, Dad- I’m lonely. I miss you. I'm thinking of gouging my eyes out just to fit in. 
How are things with you? Wonderful? I sure hope so. Aside from my crippling emotional pain I'm ready for the circus!

Well it’s time for me to get going… the Mailman's coming and I have to connect the hose. 

All my love…your son,


Blivio The Clown


The circus clown lit the blowtorch and took it to the bottom of his bare foot, toasting the flesh golden and smelling the preschool delicious.

The children of Mrs. Dolan’s class- sitting in semi-circle- watched in horror as Blivio charred his heel to a blistering crisp, howling in agony and pounding his thigh in futility. Just for a chuckle he reached out and scraped his fingernails across the blackboard- Blivio was funny like that. The heat from the butane torch was melting his face paint, his broad smile dripping upside down his face, the edges of his skullcap warping. He bit his tongue as the blood dribbled onto his white painted chin.

Mrs. Dolan- watching from her desk- wondered if this was the sort of thing that might traumatize young children. Luckily many of them had lost consciousness minutes ago when Blivio had stripped naked, passing around his saggy/fuzzy body for the youngsters to squeeze while he guzzled an economy bottle of Elmer’s Glue. Some of the more sensitive children had started to cry during Blivio’s profanity-powered opening monologue in which the clown had wept about the scarcity of vagina and encouraged random violence toward the elderly.

Blivio was a bold performer, but he would not be asked back to Career Day.