E-Bay Afternoon

Deluxe Plush Pig Costume


 - Who is there?

It’s you! Dressed as a pig for some reason!

Surprise your spouse or traumatize your child with this two-piece porker pullover! Ideal for ice cream socials, spaghetti dinners, hysterectomies, bar mitzvahs and more! Sneak up on loved ones and eat their food without permission! Creep up on your co-workers and eat their food without permission! Liven up a funeral and cheer up your deceased loved ones- without permission! 

Everybody loves a sweaty person pretending to be a greasy pig, and as long as you're in this costume your reasons are your own. (Not recommended for Halloween) E-mail me for instructions on adult use and bedroom play. Fast delivery, check my feedback and good luck!

Starting bid: $49.99

Vintage Dental Tools
Tired of the convenience and painlessness of modern dentistry? Why not make a bid on these vintage instruments and do your own dental work the way it was meant to be done: by an unlicensed amateur in a non-sterile environment! 

These stainless-steel surgical-quality hooks, probes and picks are a wonderful way to pass a Sunday afternoon or to give your children the best dental attention available. 

Want to meet women? "You have a cavity in your upper bicuspid" is a great conversation starter! Daily scrapings keep gingivitis at bay and help your spouse come clean over past infidelities… these razor-sharp tools kept my marriage together for forty years! Swish and spit most likely.

Starting bid: $19.99

Zuni Fetish Doll – Killed My Husband & Daughter

Is this hand-made Zuni fetish doll from the Jamaican Islands cursed and responsible for the gnarly deaths of my husband and three year-old daughter? Yes. But that’s no reason you shouldn’t bring it into your home, introduce it to your children, and allow it to destroy your life one grisly corpse at a time! 

Zuni requires midnight buttermilk feedings and daily feline sacrifices to keep her from eating human spleen, but I don't think even following the rules could hold off the bloodlust- she likes to make things dead! Comes complete with her own hair brush & travel case for bringing terror to the those long-distance relatives! No refunds.

Starting bid: $376.00

100% Kraft Parmesan Cheese Lot of 12 (1 Case) 8oz Each

Sweet, salty snowflake
Grated cheese pasta only
Enjoyable good

Expiration date determined by autistic children on a cola rush- check my other auctions & good luck!

Starting bid: $99.99

Dad Check Your Email


Dad, check your email :)

Hey Dad, it's me again- would you check your email?


Dad? It's me again for the second time. Did you check your e-mail since the last time I sent you an e-mail about checking your e-mail? Asking for Aunt Stephanie who wants you to call her.

Hey, Dad, I got a blank email from you. Did you send this email on purpose? I read it three times- no letters or words- just a link at the bottom to Yahoo! Mail. Were you trying to tell me something about Yahoo! Mail? Because I know it already. I have the Yahoo! Mail. That’s how I’m writing you this email

Dad, those emails about transferring money to the deposed African king are a bogus. Do not send anymore money or food. 

Dad, did you get that email I sent with the article about high-blood pressure? I know you have it. High blood pressure, not the email. That's why I'm asking. About the email. (Not the high blood-pressure) 

Dad, just an email to tell you to check your email. I'm sending you an email that will explain how to use your email account. Please send an email to confirm. Unless you got the first email. (In which case disregard this email because you probably haven’t read it yet anyway) 

Dad, those emails? Those emails from doctors? The doctors selling pills at discount rates? Those are bad emails.

Hey, Dad: just an email to tell you about this new email education program for seniors. I think it's called the Email Education Program for Seniors. They meet every week and teach email education. To seniors. Would this be something you'd be interested in having happen to you? Please email me back.

Hey Dad, just texting you to remind you to check your email. Don't text me back that's a different. 

Hey Dad, got an email from you advertising adult websites. I think your account has been hacked. I'm emailing you instructions on how to reset your password.

Dad, you haven’t responded to none of the emails I sent since the first email I sent (which was a long time ago if memory serves.) Is your computer doing the blue thing? Do you want me or Jamie to stop by and untangle the mouse again? Please email me at your earliest convenience.