Dear Dad...


Dear Dad,

How are you? I am good. Remember that serial killer that’s been slaughtering everyone in the city for the last three years? They caught him I think. I accidentally saturated the Mailman with my garden hose (every day last month) and now he’s refusing to deliver our mail. I went down to the post office to complain but the postmaster said “piss-poor” and forced me out of his office.

Grandma’s pregnant, which comes as sort of a surprise. She won’t tell us who the Father is but Mom thinks it’s the butcher's boy. Aunt Lupe thinks Grandma might even carry this one to term. If she does have the kid she'll probably sell it for cigarette money, so the whole thing is what Ed Begley Jr. might call a "mixed blessing."

Did you ever leave word on who got the bottle of ketchup? I ask this because Hans and I have been coming to blows lately… he won’t stay on his side of the house, and I almost slit his throat defending the honey mustard. Also I forgot how to shave: If you could fax me detailed instructions it sure would help. Or you could even call me, if you wanted to. I keep your headshot on the wall so I can remember what you look like. It helps...

My aquarium membership expired… it's just as well since an octopus escaped from one of the tanks and has been terrorizing the tourists. He hasn't killed anyone important yet... he only seems interested in spreading the truth of 9/11 and using his tentacles to stun sheep. I can relate.
Some guy named Malfeasy keeps stopping by, claims you owe him $13.50. Should I pay him or call his bluff about burning the house down?

Do you remember that time I told you about converting the basement into an 80's-style video arcade and you agreed fully? It happened. So I did it. Scored 8,000 on Elevator Action but Hans won't let me play Q-Bert. Also can I borrow some quarters?

I’m not gonna lie to you, Dad- I’m lonely. I miss you. I'm thinking of gouging my eyes out just to fit in. 
How are things with you? Wonderful? I sure hope so. Aside from my crippling emotional pain I'm ready for the circus!

Well it’s time for me to get going… the Mailman's coming and I have to connect the hose. 

All my love…your son,


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