The Films Of Egg Begley, Jr. (Pt. 4)

Bobby Jo & The Good Time Band

In this movie Egg plays Virgil the Jug Boy, an enthusiastic misfit with a love of drink and bluegrass music. Nobody guzzles hooch like Eggy, especially when the script tells him it’s acceptable to do so. Egg also learned how to play the jug specifically for the role, and he got so good the producers momentarily considered not hiring a professional jug player to come in and overdub every one of Egg’s notes, which they eventually did anyway. He is the Eggman… I am the walrus, goo-goo-goo-joob!

Roll Out

This was Egg’s first TV lead, the role that was supposed to make his name a household word, a household word different than the other egg that is a household word. Sadly, “Roll Out” was a disaster from the get-go. Egg was Lt. Robert Chapman, all alone in an African-American cast, trying desperately to steal laughs from the “brothers” who nicknamed him, predictably, 'Eggwhite.'
“Yeah, there was hostility,” recalls co-star Garrett Morris, “Egg flipped out when he learned he wasn’t the tallest member of the cast- the dude wouldn’t come out of his dressing room for sixteen hours. What was he doing in there? We just didn’t know.” Five episodes later, the show was cancelled due to confusion. Roll out, Egg…

Baretta

Egg was back in action-packed television as Ernie, a dope-pusher with a mean left hook and a soft spot for semi-automatic weapons. In the episode’s finale Egg holds a nine year-old hostage on a highway overpass. “Put down the gun, Ernie,” says Baretta, “don’t make me fill you full of lead.” Egg unwisely calls Baretta’s bluff, and Baretta shoots both him and the child, sending Egg tumbling over the guardrail to his death. There’s more than one way to crack an Egg…

Stay Hungry

It’s Egg vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger! Well, not really, because that would last less than a minute, and this movie is an hour forty-two. But Egg and Arnie do meet in the gym sequence, when Egg’s character Lester the Towel Boy bumps into Arnie’s character Joe Santo. “Why don’t you watch where you are walking, you pathetic little nerd?” asks Arnie, and Egg runs off to the laundry room to savor hot shame in private. Hasta la vista, Egg.

M*A*S*H

Egg plays Pvt. Paul Conway, a sensitive soldier who takes his own life after being paralyzed from the nose down by a grenade blast. He finds the lighter side of quadriplegia, popping wheelchair wheelies, rocking wheelchair jumps, and even playing wheelchair kickball before dousing himself in lighter fluid and flicking his Bic. Rage against the machine, Egg!

Laverne & Shirley

Egg stoops to the boob tube to portray Bobby Feeney, a trembling kleptomaniac intent on stealing Laverne & Shirley’s virginity, or at least puncturing their hymens to comedic effect. The New York Times called Egg’s performance, “passable,” so the man is nothing if not consistent. Egg refused to snort blow at the after-party and as a result he was banned for life from Garry Marshall productions. Luckily, no one cared.

Quincy, ME

Egg played Walter “Speed” Simpson, and- wait, that doesn’t sound right. Really? Okay. Egg was the corpse of a track star that was dug up by Quincy after Quincy failed to perform an accurate autopsy the first time around. No one stares up at the ceiling as lifelessly as Egg, and this is where he proves it to you.

Private Lessons

A small role in a small film, for which Egg was paid entirely in Fig Newtons. Here he’s Jack Travis, a dispatcher at a limousine company whose catchphrase “I’ll see you tomorrow” never quite swept the nation the way Egg hoped it would. During the shoot Egg was caught stealing irregular blazers from the costume department, and studio security punished him by riding him around the lot on a golf cart with the word “Stickyfingers” written across his shirt in magic marker. Put me down for a forty long, Egg…

Transylvania 6-5000

This was it! The undisputed highlight of Egg’s career! For nine days in 1985 Egg was the hottest star in Hollywood, the most respected actor on the planet. He turns in a spectacularly funny performance in a retro-horror comedy about the rebirth of Frankenstein. The only downside to the shoot was that whenever Egg forgot one of his lines his co-star Jeff Goldblum would slap his face so hard it brought tears to his eyes. Still, after a smash of this magnitude Egg’s future looked bright. Egg couldn’t possibly blow it now… or could he?

George Burns Comedy Week

A mighty mistake. You’re never too old to be young, at least according to Egg. He guest-starred on George Burns’ short-lived variety show as Tiny Timothy, a stuttering teenage speedfreak and the butt of Mr. Burns’ moldy punchlines. “That’s the problem with you hippies,” croaked George, gumming his sopping stogie, “you’re only interested in peace, love, and smoking the wacky tobbackee!” This humiliating performance set Egg’s career back twenty years, which was tragic because he had only been working for fifteen. Say goodnight, Eggy…

She-Devil

Egg plays Bob, husband to Roseanne Barr’s character. During the shoot Roseanne fell head over heels in love with Egg, who refused her affection due to the fact that Ms. Barr did not drive an electric car. Roseanne countered by slipping a laxative into Egg’s coffee, giving him crippling diarrhea for two solid weeks. Don’t squeeze the Charmin, Egg…

The New Adventures Of Old Christine

Egg takes it to the hoop playing Pastor Ed, a pastor who is evidently named Ed. Egg offsets the starchy stereotypes about clergy by performing a five-minute sequence of trick basketball shots that stirs the non-existent studio audience into a frenzy of applause. Julia Louis-Dreyfus recalls working with the elusive Egg: “I offered him a glass of carrot juice at the craft service table and he broke down in tears.”
Stability is a noble goal, Egg… and we’ll be with you every step of the way.