My parents always make a face when I introduce them to my prostitutes
There's a beetle in the mayonnaise, but who am I to ruin the Fourth of July?
Girls with three names: don't waste my time
If the cat didn’t want to drown in the pool he shouldn’t have gone swimming in the first place
Webster’s defines “dictionary” as “the book you’re reading right now, shit-for-brains”
So frustrating... someone left a baby on my doorstep and the garbage man doesn’t come till Tuesday
The best part about bullying is that we've finally found a way to blame suicide on someone besides the guy who killed himself
“Gonorrhea Relapse” is not an acceptable RSVP
Sex in the cemetery is fine but can we wait until my
grandmother’s funeral is over?
Named my dog Fetch just to blow his little mind
How do you get the ketchup to spurt out of your neck like
that?
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