My parents always make a face when I introduce them to my prostitutes

There's a beetle in the mayonnaise, but who am I to ruin the Fourth of July?

Girls with three names: don't waste my time

If the cat didn’t want to drown in the pool he shouldn’t have gone swimming in the first place

Webster’s defines “dictionary” as “the book you’re reading right now, shit-for-brains”

So frustrating... someone left a baby on my doorstep and the garbage man doesn’t come till Tuesday

The best part about bullying is that we've finally found a way to blame suicide on someone besides the guy who killed himself

“Gonorrhea Relapse” is not an acceptable RSVP

Sex in the cemetery is fine but can we wait until my grandmother’s funeral is over?

Named my dog Fetch just to blow his little mind

How do you get the ketchup to spurt out of your neck like that?

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