AVI's From Hell, Pt. 1


Please don't be this guy.

I'm asking you, from the bottom of my heart: if this is the best you can do for your Twitter avi, don't leave your house. Shower with your clothes on. Call your former schoolteachers and apologize for everything. Take a salad fork and jam it into your eyeball. Rejoice at the juice that is released. What we have here is a genial middle-aged fellow (named Dudley?) who wanted to look casual and fun but failed on every level. Where did he go wrong?

First, the "celebrity" in his photo is not a celebrity at all. It's a cardboard cutout of an advertising mascot. The beer that this fellow peddles contains bobcat urine. It tastes like raccoon sweat. And speaking of raccoons check out the rabid eyes of our protagonist Dudley, who has surely sold his soul to the Devil in exchange for this brush with paper greatness. Which of them is more lifelike? Too close to call.

Next, check out the women in the background who inhabit this "wild, anything-goes" adult party. They look like the type of people who show up at random funerals for the complimentary decaf. These woman have genitals that even their respective gynecologists won't touch. We can only wonder if Dudley will "score" tonight after one of the gals- drunk on Diet Zima- confuses him with the one-dimensional corporate standee and gives him sloppy oral in the guest bathroom, accidentally plunging her hand into the unflushable toilet.


This party is a punishment for surviving the work week- it's where elephants come to die. This party counts towards your community service. You can picture the bowl of soggy Cheez Doodle just outside the frame. Nobody knows how they got wet. 

In conclusion, choose your avi with care. No one wants to be doused with a bucket of ice water & forced into your living nightmare. Least of all me. Stay thirsty, my friends.

(If you have a suggestion for an AVI From Hell please send it to sicksitymail@gmail.com & seek immediate medical attention)

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