Tough Lunches of the 21st Century (Heartbreaker)

Date: April 14, 2006
Location: Branigan’s Beefbarn

This was when my first wife dropped the bomb on me. We had gone out that day for the Steak & Nearly-Nonstop Salad Bar Special, but my wife didn’t even let me finish my plate of Spicy Jalapeno Poplets before she made with the mouth-foul.

“I find you simple and unfunny,” she said, but there was something about the tone in her voice that made me feel like she meant it this time.

“Consider this your two-week notice,” she said, “I’m going to Mexico and not coming back. Our marriage is over and you are sexually inadequate.”

I took it like a man, sobbing in hysterics and emptying my water glass over my head. She kept her word about the Mexico thing and gaining custody of all my possessions, and we haven’t spoken since she had me arrested for stealing her mail.

Oh and by the way, "Poplets" is Spanish for explosive diarrhea.

No comments:

Post a Comment