No Anchovies

Three cheers for the asshole who says “No anchovies” when ordering a pizza, because we all know how often that sneaky pizza parlor man throws them on our pie without permission. Have you ever gotten a pizza with anchovies when you didn’t order them?

Anyone?

I’ll wait.

The “No Anchovies” guy is the same guy who says “no vodka” when he’s ordering a beer.

And what exactly do you people have against anchovies anyway? Did they kill your parents? Do they owe you money? Have you even tried them?

I’ll let you in on a little secret. Come closer.

Closer...

Okay, that’s too close.

The secret is that anchovies are my favorite pizza topping of all time. And the best.

They’re tiny slivers of salty fish whose flavor compliments the cheese of the pizza. Set your mouth ablaze with flavor. Make the pie more juicy with flavor so flavorful you can’t pronounce the word flavor.

Okay, I’ll grant you this: some pizza parlors glop them on in a care-less style, leaving you with chunks of fish too thick to enjoy. I can see someone trying them for the first time at a shitty restaurant and blaming the fish for the comatose cook. But if you specifically ask for them to be spread evenly, or buy a tin in the grocery store to add to your own homemade pizza- or even on a frozen pie- you will become addicted to the anchovy.

You see, I’ve served homemade anchovy pie to dozens and dozens of people, and I don’t tell them they’re eating anchovies. Invariably I hear “Oh my god... this is the best pizza I’ve ever tasted.” I nod and say thank you.

This pizza? The one you’ve been eating just now? There are anchovies on it. Would you like your fourth slice now or should I wrap it up so you can take it home with you?

Smile and nod with me while we enjoy the salty seafood sensation. And we’ll all have a laugh at the “No Anchovies” guy. And remember: you were once afraid of pepperoni too.