What's In the Bucket? (Village Idiot)

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Tojo- the Village Idiot- walked into the village, her bucket full, nearly overflowing.

“What’s in the bucket, Tojo?” This was Kenjo, Village Leper.

Tojo smiled- a secret smile! Then she gave Kenjo the middle finger.

She walked on, through the village square, struggling to carry the heavy bucket.

“What’s in the bucket, Tojo?” This was Masumi, Village Chief.

Tojo closed her eyes and shook her head. Masumi returned to his calculator games.

At the clearing Tojo ran into Bulki, her best friend.

“What’s in the bucket, Tojo?” he asked. She picked up a handful of dirt and threw it into his eyes, blinding him for life and beyond.

Tojo crossed the shoreline and climbed the rocks above the ocean- careful not to spill a drop. When she was up as high as she could get she sat on a large stone covered in sea moss and put the bucket to her mouth, drinking four liters of her own tepid urine.

Domestic Violence

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Stephanie swung blunt, the face of the frying pan connecting with the back of Marvin’s skull. She heard something in his head crack and thought to herself, ‘You can’t make an omelet...’

Marvin spun, full circle- one hundred & eighty degrees- and blinked twice: “Honey, I really think we should talk about this.”

Stephanie, at the sink, spray arm in hand and hose extended, dousing Marvin in icy morning water, his Columbia blue necktie going Navy.

“Is this about that thing I did? Or that other thing I did?” He spat tap water.

Stephanie grabbed the iron off the board, yanking the plug out the wall, tossing it at Marvin who had never learned to duck. It smashed his face- permanent press- leaving a burn mark up his cheek and jaw.

“I can explain most likely!”

Steph threw the can of bread crumbs at her husband, which exploded on impact, breading him delicious.

“I think we need to see a marriage counselor.”

That's when she dumped the hot pot of decaf over his head, scalding him with the rich taste of Brim.

Marvin, at a loss for words: “Owwwww!!”

Stephanie took this moment to take out his kneecap with her heel, Marvin buckling and collapsing to the floor. Stephanie sat on his chest, ripping his hair out with her teeth and thumping his groin with a meat hammer.

At the kitchen table Marvin Jr. looked over at his sister Elizabeth.

“We should probably make our own lunches.”

Dead Roofers*

*Who Have Plunged To Their Death On My Driveway

John Pavarnick 

Uncle Vladimir

Evan “Champagne” King

Unknown Roofer #7

John Pavarnick, Jr.

Granderson Swedlow

Unknown Roofer #4

Sid “Shingles” Holloway

Leo Von Bisquick

Timothy “Nine Lives” Portnoy

Dom DaVulva

“Glass Joe” Semento

John Pavarnick, III