Church Stories

The priest raised the chalice: "In the name of the Father, Son & the Holy Ghost." He drank the cup of wine.
"You want another one, Father?" asked the bartender.
"Not yet," said the Priest, "this Cub Scout's still blowing me and I'm just about to cum."

†††

Two brothers were fussing in church, slapping and pushing each other.
"If you don't behave yourselves I'll have to separate you," said their Mother.
Just then God liquefied her because of frequent masturbation.

†††

Two nuns were walking down the street when their car broke down.
"Let's ask for help at the house down the road," said the First Nun.
So they walked to the house and knocked on the door.
The man who lived there opened the door and pelted the nuns with full-size Snicker bars.
Did I mention this was Halloween night? Most likely.

†††

A young boy was sitting in church and decided to steal the money from the collection plate to buy a pasta-maker.
When the Priest noticed the money missing, he decided to lecture the entire parish.
"The perils of sin are the fires of Hell, the discomfort of eternal damnation. God will punish the wicked; and all thieves meet the same fate!"
Tortellini.

†††

A number of family pets had been disappearing from the neighborhood, and only Deacon Joe Farley held the key to the mystery.
"It is starting again, Father..." he whispered, making the sign of the cross. "The blood lusts... the hungers..."
I'm pretty sure that's when they threw him out of the 7-11.

†††

An Old Woman went to church every day for fifty years, and one day the Priest asked her to give a reading from the scriptures.

She stepped up to the podium and began to spew the loudest, angriest filth that Man has ever heard... the profanity rattled the pews and shook the stained-glass windows. Mothers jammed ball-point pens into their children's ears to drown out the foul curses.

After the service the Priest ran up to the woman, humiliated, and asked her for some possible explanation.

"I'm a Jew, you stupid cocksucker."

†††

A newlywed couple thought it would be hilarious to have sex in the empty church.
"I'm going to bang you toddler-style," bragged the engorging groom.
"I'm going to ride you reverse-rhino," cried the oozing bride.
When they got to the church they were both raped by the Maniac.
I just remembered there was a Maniac on the loose.

†††

A Priest kept having his sermons interrupted by a flock of tweeting birds that had nested outside the church.

After the mass was over he pulled out his ladder and set out for the top of the steeple, climbing towards the large brown nest resting in the eaves.

"HEY, FATHER PERRY!" called a loud voice from the ground.

The Priest turned, partially. "WHAT!"

"IT'S ME- MR. GRUDZIELANEK!"

"WHO?!?"

"ME- MR. GRUDZIELANEK!"

"MR. GRUDZIELANEK?"

"YEAH!!"

The Priest steadied himself. "OH!"

The sky, which had been turning gray all morning, rumbled with the faint sound of thunder.

"WE HAVE SOME BUSINESS TO DISCUSS, FATHER PERRY!"

The ladder, rickety, buckled. The birds looked up, sensing the approaching Priest.

Father Perry turned his head over his shoulder.

"I KNOW THAT! THAT WE HAVE BUSINESS TO DISCUSS!" he shouted to the figure on the ground, "BUT DO YOU THINK WE COULD TALK AT ANOTHER TIME? I'M IN A DIFFICULT SITUATION!"

"HOW DO YOU MEAN?" shouted Mr. Grudzielanek, hands cupped to his mouth like a megaphone, "IT'S ME! MR. GRUDZIELANEK!"

The thunder rumbled louder in the nearby-sky... the birds gathered into formation, practicing violent pecking motions... the bottom rung of the ladder suddenly snapped, and Father Perry had to squeeze his arms around the outer rails of the ladder to keep it from splitting.

†††

An Altar Boy was hungry, and helped himself to several Communion wafers before mass.
When the Priest saw this he decided to teach the boy a lesson by playing a joke on him.
"The Lord punishes those who eat the body of Christ before mass."
Did the Altar Boy throw up on him or something?

†††

A husband and wife were experiencing marital difficulties and went to see the Priest for advice.
"Tell me, Father," said the Wife, "does the Lord wish for a man to come home every evening and spend time with his family? Is that not God's way?"
"Hear my side, Father," the Husband said. "Doesn't God want the working man to relax after a day of labor, to raise a glass with his neighbors and drink to His creations?"
The priest laughed, "There is no God."

†††

Two nuns were eating each other out when one of them suddenly realized, "Today is Easter Sunday!"
"That's okay," said the second nun, "we'll go to the afternoon mass."

†††

A little girl was eating Cheerios during mass, and spilling them everywhere. There were Cheerios in the pews, Cheerios in the aisles, and Cheerios all over the floor. The minister noticed, and decided to make a lesson of her in front of his entire flock.
He gathered up all the Cheerios she had thrown, walked over to where she was sitting and snapped her neck, killing her instantly.

†††

A woman was selling brownies at the church bake sale.
"How much for a brownie?" asked an old man not named Mimbles.
"Twenty-eight bucks, Mimbles," the woman said.
He bought two.

†††

A teenage boy had a crush on one of the girls in his parish, and asked Father Mulcahey for help in asking her out.
"No problem," said the Priest, "she's coming to the church social on Saturday. Get here early and I'll partner the two of you up for the three-legged race."
The boy could hardly wait until Saturday! He showed up early at the Church and saw the girl he liked- but the Priest was nowhere to be found!
"Excuse me," the boy asked the girl, "but do you know where I might find Father Mulcahey?"
The girl smiled softly. "Father Mulcahey threw himself in front of a subway train early this morning. And I find you physically repulsive."

†††

A group of children was playing baseball in the church parking lot.
One of the boys hit a towering home run, shattering the window of the church.
The Mets signed the pitcher to a ten-year deal.

†††

A Minister was at a funeral, giving a eulogy for an Old Woman he had never met.
"Florence was a good woman, a warm woman... and a wonderful mother."
"Her name was Rosalyn," shouted one of the mourners, and the Minister continued, embarrassed.
"Rosalyn was a wonderful wife and mother-"
"She was never even married!" yelled another mourner in black.
The Minister, out of sheer frustration, threw his shoe at the corpse.
Rosalyn sat up and looked into the camera: "That's the most fun I ever had since 1996."

†††

A black motherfucker went to church and sat in the very front row.
"Why are you sitting up so close?" asked one of the church-goers.
"So that God can see me better," said the black man.
When the organ played the motherfucker sang louder than anyone else.
"Why are you singing so loud?" asked one of the church-goers.
The black man smiled. "So that God can hear me better."

Just then God brought Judgement on the church: he destroyed every sinner, every liar, every crook... he melted the priest for being a sex offender and the wealthy couple for beating their children bloody... he crushed the drug-dealers and hypocrites and disintegrated the vengeful bastards. When the judgment was over only the black man was left standing in the church.

Who is the motherfucker now?