Toys In The Bathroom

Like you don't have 'em too...

Chewbacca - Chewy was a prominent character in the Star Trek films, and one bad-ass Wookie motherfucker in general. My memory is a little hazy on his role in the movie but I'm pretty sure he was a half-grizzly bear/ half-Australian fellow who shot everybody in the face with his righteous flame-thrower. This action figure is fun to hold onto during those long, boring showers, and I once mistook him for soap and rubbed him against my body for seventeen minutes trying to get a lather going. We had a good laugh about it afterwards. (Me and Chewbacca)

MASK Stinger - This was an action vehicle from the short lived cartoon/commercial series MASK, and it is a truly impressive creation. This toy car can travel at over 85 miles an hour, provided it's in the front seat of a real car travelling over 85 miles an hour. It transforms from a Pontiac GTO into some sort of armored tank for destroying the neighborhood and its many babysitters. I play with this while I'm shaving since it leaves me a free pinky to work the straight razor. Another close shave for the MASK stinger!

Spikor - This tough customer came from either the He-Man or Strawberry Shortcake line of toys, and he makes bathtime fun. He doesn't do anything but sometimes that's enough. I like to pretend he's awash in a sea of sudsy water and my own tepid filth, swimming for his life and searching for a reason to avoid the drain. It's a metaphor most likely.

Walther PPK - Just your standard blowback-operated semi-automatic pistol. I like to shoot birds/pedestrians while I'm urinating, so I stand at the bowl with my Unit in one hand and my gun in the other, firing at random out the window. This little bastard came with a double-action trigger and single column mag, and one time I used it to shatter the spine of a old man taking a walk with his two grandsons. The guy's in some sort of motorized cart now and he has machines that do his eating and complaining for him. Circle of life? Well-said, sassafras.

Play-Doh - For those long dumps where you find yourself on the verge of pondering the meaning of life, the only answer is to roll with the 'Doh. On the bowl I have my hands free to be truly creative, and I make all sorts of amazing shapes and objects- snakes, donuts, snake-eating donuts and sometimes donut-eating snakes. The bonus is that the 'Doh is non-toxic, so it makes a great snack while I Lamaze my way through another difficult movement.

Some people read in the bathroom. I play with toys. And not just because I'm illiterate.

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