The Female Accord

The White House

Washington, DC.

Dear Women's Liberation Groups:

It has come to my attention that there has been grumbling from some of you, a loud grumbling that has grown into a murmur, a murmur for social reform, for parity of the sexes and the recognition of you women as equals to men. Your demands are laughable. Laughable. You would hear me laughing if you were in the neighborhood. That is how loud. I am laughing.

Normally I have my official press secretary handle my correspondence but I am taking the time to write this letter personally because your expectations are laughably absurd. Women are not equal to men. They are softer. More squishy. They can’t do math or long division or install mufflers. How can you ask for more women’s rights?

You want to vote in elections? Wear pants in public? Eat pickles on a Sunday? Impossible. You tell that loudmouth Steinem to shut her yapper. I will gladly turn the fire hose on her, and that may not sound very impressive, but when you think about it it is quite a lot of water pressure. To be hit with.

But let us not resort to brutality. Ladies of America I implore you as your king President to stop this liberation foolishness at once. Go home and shave your legs. Go back to red lipstick, vacuum cleaning, and eating bananas in that artful and mysterious way that you do. If you all behave I will reinstate your driving privileges.

In closing I speak to all women everywhere: I find your liberation groups hilarious and your ideas pitiful. I am laughing at you. Any further correspondence to me should be sent via the Playboy Club, where I am headed right now.

God bless America...

President John F. Kennedy

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