Police Stories

An old woman ran up to a police officer.

"There's a maniac fucking up the Safeway!" she screamed.

The policeman pulled out his gun and shot her dead.

He never shopped at Safeway.


A female police officer had to take a spree, so she ducked into a diner.

"May I use your restroom?" she asked.

"We have no toilet here," said the cook, flipping a hamburger on the grill.


  Two police officers were eating cheese on the street.

"I could eat fifteen pounds of cheese," said the first officer.

The second officer shot him dead.

"I have always been lactose intolerant."


The chief of police saw a hobo pissing in the alley.

“Just what do you think you’re doing?” he asked the hobo.

“I am an undercover officer in a sting operation and you have disturbed me,” said the hobo, “as a punishment I am sending you back to the police academy.”

He had to room with the fat guy.


Two policeman were walking the beat when they spotted a blind man jaywalking.

The first officer pulled out his gun and shot the blind man dead.

The second officer asked, "What do you want on your pizza?"


A short police officer walked into a coffee shop.

“I’ll have a large coffee.”

The girl behind the counter tossed the coffee at him, scalding his face and burning his eyeballs.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” she said, as he howled in agony, “did you want that in a cup?”


A police officer was chasing a criminal. “Slow down, criminal!” shouted the police officer, “Give me a chance to apprehend you!”

The criminal got off his unicycle and proceeded on foot. Did I mention the police officer and the criminal were cousins?

They weren’t.


Some guy ran up to a police officer.

“There’s a bank robbery in progress on South Avenue!”

The police officer shot him dead.

I think his parents were killed by bankers or something like that.

Two police officers were fighting a fire.

The first police officer said, “Bill, I don’t think I love my wife anymore.”

“Convenience,” said the second police officer, “because I have been having sex with your wife for the last seventeen years.”

Her name was Barbara.


A police officer was questioning a sex prostitute.

“So where did you go after you had sex with the man in exchange for money?”

“I went directly home,” said the prostitute.

“I have tricked you into a confession,” said the police officer, “and you are now under arrest.”

“Entrapment,” said the prostitute, “let’s split the difference and go to Red Lobster.”

They had the shrimp scampi.


The Easter Bunny went into a bar and ordered a dry martini.

“And I mean dry,” he said, grabbing the bartender by his shirt, “or I will shatter the glass in your face and force you to drink from the toilet.”

Whoops, this was supposed to go in Easter Bunny Stories.


A teenager ran up to a police officer.

“Some lunatic is throwing acid in people’s faces!”

The police officer shot the teenager dead.

“It is my way or the interstate,” he said to no one in particular.


Two police officers were on the street when a man came out of the liquor store holding a gun and a sack of cash.

“I robbed the liquor store!” said the crazed robber, “and I shot the owner of the liquor store in the face!”

“That’s nice,” said the first police officer.

“Have fun,” said the second police officer.

Their shift ended fifteen minutes ago.


A female police officer was walking her beat when she noticed two Mexican teens trying to steal a car.

“Freeze!” she said, drawing her gun, “I am a police!”

“She is a police,” said the first Mexican boy, “we had better surrender!”

“She cannot be a police,” said the second Mexican boy, “she is a woman!”

They compromised by squeezing her breasts until the real police arrived.


A police officer pulled over a woman driving 173 miles an hour.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?” he said, standing at her window.

“Because you are a big jerk with authority issues and you need to use a gun as a substitute for your non-functioning penis?” she asked.

The police officer pulled out his 9mm Glock pistol and shot the woman dead.

He hated it when bitches were right.

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