Tough Lunches of the 21st Century (Now Boarding)

Date: January 11, 2012
Location: Laguardia Airport Lunch & Launch

I took my Grandmother Bevertly out for lunch. She had the raw beef platter. I had nothing after I watched her munch and guzzle and spray bits of semi-chewed food into my iced coffee.

“The secret of life,” Bevertly said to me while devouring a flank steak, “is to live life to the fullest. You have to grab the bull by the h-"

“I’m sending you to Paraguay and you’re not coming back,” I said, putting her plane ticket on the table in front of her.

“No, you’re not,” she countered.

“Yes. I am.” I signaled the waitress for the check.

“Well why are you doing that?” she asked me, depositing a pickle directly down her throat.

“Because you’re old and annoying and you smell like yesterday's magazines. Plus you just won’t die.”

Bevertly’s flight left in fifteen minutes but as I shoved her through the gate I knew there would always be a place for her in my life.

Every Christmas I send her a postcard.

Well, I mean to.

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