The Films Of Egg Begley, Jr. (Pt. 5)


In this film Egg plays Hack “Hassler” Hassleton, an aggressive tennis instructor who provides third-act excitement by kidnapping Goldie Hawn and sexually molesting her in the middle of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Test audiences loved Egg but despised the brutal sequence which was quickly cut from the film. Sadly the only line of Egg’s dialogue that found its way into the finished picture was, “Let me rub your shubdubs.” Gobble-gobble, Egg.

Get Crazy

If the sensitive portrayal of a rogue garbage man was an Olympic Event our Egg Begley, Jr. would be a lock to bronze. Here he plays Colin Beverly, a clinically depressed sanitation worker who dumps garbage cans onto neighborhood lawns and throws ice cubes at stray cats. Showbiz legend has it that Egg improvised the Jello sequence and nailed it on the first take. A series of promotional T-shirts was ordered to advertise the film, featuring a grinning Egg in his character’s grey jumpsuit with the catchphrase “I Ain’t Cleanin’ That Up!” Unfortunately the box of tees got lost in the mail and the movie was dead on arrival. One size does not fit Egg.


Egg guest-starred on the legendary detective series as Bill Guilterson, a seemingly-innocent man who may have forced a bus full of elderly people over the edge of the Golden Gate bridge just to hear the splash. Egg manages to remain blank-faced and hollow for the next forty-eight minutes as Columbo furrows his brow and tries to poke holes in his alibi. Insiders say that actor Peter Falk despised Egg, blowing cigar smoke in his face and sticking his finger up Egg’s nose between takes. Egg responded with a series of well-timed bladder accidents. Just one more question, Egg…


If your Father was a superhero would he look and talk like Egg Begley, Jr? The answer is no. Still, producers hired Egg to put on a cape and run around in fast motion for some reason. The film’s climactic scene, which features Super Egg rescuing children from an evil waterslide, was almost as instantly forgettable as the rest of the movie, which I’ve already forgotten. If the behind-the-scenes rumors are true Egg was verbally and physically abusive to the children on set, with production shutting down for six weeks so the boy who played Egg’s son could heal his broken collarbone. Spare the rod, Egg...

 7th Heaven

Egg guest-starred on the wildly unpopular Christian TV series as Dr. Hank Hastings, the abortion doctor who “makes good girls problems go away.” Egg nailed the role by wearing his white lab coat and not doing or saying anything, but producers were infuriated with him after he arrived early to the set one day and ate all of the marshmallows out of the cast’s box of Lucky Charms. The actors retaliated by dumping a box of snakes in Egg’s trailer, but he had the final laugh when he clogged their toilets with corkscrew pasta. Egg is magically delicious.


Nothing says made-for-TV like our Egg, and he proves it here in this small screen film by playing Yokus, a jaunty Anthrax deliveryman who dies accidentally when his motor scooter is struck by an intercontinental surface-to-air missile. America was devastated by Begley's death scene, and the following day many businesses were closed in memory of his performance. Egg does manage to slip in one classic Begley line of dialogue before his obliteration though: when asked by the beautiful ice cream vendor what flavor cone he wants, Egg takes a beat and says, “Vanilla.” We all scream for Egg Begley.

Batman Forever

Holy Cackleberry, Batperson-who-happens-to-be-played-by-a-man! Egg takes a role in a major Hollywood action spectacular, and he gives a performance that failed to seriously offend anyone in any significant way. Here he plays Fred “The Stickman” Stickley, an evil villain who repeatedly hits Batman with a stick until Batman simply pushes him off the top of the building. Egg’s haunting delivery of the line “Aaaaagggggghhhhhhhh...” is surely one of the defining moments in the history of American cinema. I think I’m falling for you, Egg…


“Feel the rainbow vibration of the movie Sensation!” That would have been the promotional tagline for this Egg Begley movie- had there been any- which of course there wasn’t. In fact, there was no promotion at all. Producer Michael Mandaville recalls: “Egg was an artist in every sense of the word, trying to re-write his lines at random and listening to horse racing over the radio between takes. One day we asked him how he took his coffee and he started to cry and take off his clothes. [I can’t get that] image out of my head.” Cream and sugar for Mr. Begley, please.

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