My Season with the Mets

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A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to experience life in the big leagues…


Day One
This is the beginning of something I’ve dreamed about all my life. I will be covering the Mets all season, my favorite team, my favorite game. I miss the old Shea Stadium, of course- all of my memories were there- but as I step through the tunnels of Citi Field, up the clubhouse steps and onto the field for the first time I am staggered by the beauty of this immaculate new ballpark. The infield grass, the rich red dirt, the clean white bases… 


If there's a baseball team in Heaven, this is where they play.

Suddenly I’m overcome with dizziness, and a sudden awareness of being alive… maybe it’s the forty thousand fans growling from the seats... it feels like they're cheering just for me. This is such a magical moment I can’t believe its really happening. I am high… dizzy...

I sense stadium security swarming towards me and I take off for second base with every muscle in my body straining to outrun my pursuers. I am tackled just past first, my face bashed, my torso hog-tied, and the fellow with the invisible taser goes to town on my lower back. A filling breaks loose.


When I regain consciousness I’m in a stadium holding room, left hand cuffed to the filing cabinet, watching the game on a ceiling-mounted monitor and waiting for my attorney to arrive.


A burly fellow offers me a hot dog and a Pepsi's cola.


I accept.


Wonderings...







Can’t we leave some children behind?










Luckily I got one of those prisons where they let you keep your harmonica






 Did You Know? Gynecologists eat their roast beef sandwiches vertically







You say you don't laugh when the figure skater falls... I'm gonna have to call bullshit







No woman has ever cried out the name "Willoughby" in a fit of sexual bliss





Masturbation is like exercise with a prize inside







How was I supposed to know the waiter was named Fettucine?



 




The great thing about "Three's Company" is that they could no longer give each other cervical cancer









Dating a blind woman… well, she doesn’t know it yet



 



True love is hard to find so let's make Miracle Whip in the Men's Room





Five bucks says I can trick this retardate into cleaning my aquarium



 

I Shot Trayvon Martin




“We’ve come so far, you know the Neighborhood Watch? We’re really getting better every day…”

"A lot of people have been asking to hear MY side of the story, to get MY version, and this is it, okay? First of all, I don’t have a problem with black people. But between you and me, there’s been a series of crimes in the neighborhood over the past few years, and most of those times, sometimes a black guy was involved. Having said that, I don’t hate blacks and I am not a racist… I just think they should be careful where they’re going…”





"I joined the Neighborhood Watch to keep things right. Yes, I carry a gun. It’s an excitement for me and I like it and it makes me feel strong… I know that I’ll have it if I need it and I always need it and that’s why I gotta have it. Hah, I know that sounds funny but you just gotta trust me… this is MY neighborhood and I will do whatever it takes to defend it. This is my Keltec 9mm, good for concealed carry and it’s gotta lot of pop… you never point a gun at a person…

"Okay, there’s a dark-skinned guy down there in a hoodie and no I can’t see what he’s got in his hands, but this doesn’t look good, and this is where I roll out…

"You never shoot an unarmed man. It’s like at home- I only hit my girlfriend when I have no other choice- I am not a violent person and you need to understand that. Look at this guy, he’s a real suspicious guy and I have a few questions for him. I’m a little confused and I’m very afraid and I think this guy is gonna be trouble… I can’t see what he has in his hands there, but that’s- oh shit- looks like I'm gonna need this pistol after all..."