Roses are red, violets are blue, if you don’t start sleeping with me I’m gonna bang the babysitter

All the cool vegetarians hang out at the Burger King

Somedays I pour shampoo down the toilet just to spite my psychiatrist

Just because you dive off the gondola doesn’t mean the date is over

Can you hold the cole slaw? And choke to death on it?


Like a good neighbor, State Farm is refusing to return my calls

I trust Hispaniards… just not these Hispaniards…

I don’t like to hit sock puppets so consider this your final warning

Deja Jew: the sneaking suspicion that you’ve seen this Rabbi before

The rapist is gone... now get back to sleep!

Chocolate mousse is just pudding with a French accent

Just promise me when I die that you won't let Morgan Freeman do the voice-over...

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