People Of Ketchup


As Americans we drown our steak, lobster and apple pie in ketchup. It's thick... it's rich... it's tomato paste personified. But do you know the history of the working man's condiment? The answer is no because of your ignorance.

Dawn Of Time, AD (1931)

An emperor in China, sick on soy sauce, turned to his subjects and said, "Let there be ketchup." From that day forward, there was.

The people of China fell in love with ketchup- their favorite flavoring until the invention of duck sauce. Farmers raised their children to raise tomatoes, and those children raised their children to raise children who also would raise tomatoes. Thank you, Emperor Heinz!

Ketchup Through The Years

Ketchup soon came to America, probably by pony express, and when it got here someone renamed it 'catsup.' This person was slapped repeatedly and the name went back to ketchup.


Hey, fuckup, you're doing it wrong.

Middle Ages (1959-1964)

In the 1950's it was customary for American workers to take a "ketchup break": a work stoppage in which they would drink freely from ketchup bottles and swap ketchup stories and recipes. This practice was soon discontinued when people realized it was insane.

Marked for death.

Is ketchup the lifeblood of the table-sauce industry? Nope. But this guy sleeps with his sister.

Sex With A Ketchup Bottle?

Not a second time.

Ketchup Confidential

Even major Hollywood celebrities enjoy ketchup!
[Does not imply celebrity endorsement]

The Future of Ketchup (2002-2007)

How Far Is Too Far?

We probably passed it already.

Ketchup Donuts?

They exist. Please contact your spiritual advisor.

What did we learn here today? Not a goddamn thing. In fact I hope I've helped you un-learn things you already knew, becoming dumber and, by extension, wiser.

In conclusion: ketchup. [It happens every day]

No comments:

Post a Comment