...and that's how I became President of Mexico

Somedays I slap my kid just for the crack of it 

A voting booth is like a slot machine with no chance of winning

I heard through the grapevine that you're getting married... to a raging alcoholic

 It’s a wonderful pre-afterlife...

Be nice, because you never know where your next blowjob is coming from

I take my time with the menu, because life is short and I’m an illiterate

I’d love to come to your party but my coven meets that night

Balconies are a great place to parade your Haitian mistress

I won’t be truly happy until all my schoolteachers are reunited in Hell

You can’t cry over spilled milk... but you can slap the hell out of the cow

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