Dead Pets (You Could Have Rescued)

We asked for your help. We asked for your money. But you just weren’t fast enough in getting to the phone. This is what might have been. 


Brisbane was a tiger who would have happily devoured your intestines just for the taste of it. Ironically, Brisbane hasn’t done much mauling since we drowned him in the pool at the YMCA.  It killed him, and bummed him out in a big way. Brisbane was the Tiger’s tiger, surly, with a weakness for blondes and sports cars. His playful growl and disdain for property lines would have made him the toast of your neighborhood. He was well-hung and would have gladly fertilized your cats and the cats of your neighbors, but he can’t do that anymore. Do you know why? It’s because he’s dead. Dead because you didn’t save him… don’t make me play the music.


As seen on YouTube!

This was Fancy, an elitist feline who could make you laugh just by telling knock-knock jokes and coughing hairballs into your newborn’s crib. Fancy was something of an internet celebrity after her appearance in the viral video smash “Cat Claws Newborn.” (She was the cat.) In a bold move Fancy decided to forego the bright lights of Hollywood in favor of a normal life, hoping to find a suburban home with a scratching post and/or newborn. A neighborhood family agreed to adopt Fancy, but when they were late for their appointment we dissolved her in a vat of battery acid.


Hazmat was a Brazilian cockatoo who could rap in French & German if you were willing to translate and accompany him on the harpsichord. He loved to mimic the human voice and to surprise visiting relatives with staggeringly-abusive profanity. His seed bell and the sawdust in his cage combined to form an odor so pungent it could peel the paint off your Cadillac. Since you expressed no interest in saving his life, however, he was roasted at the unnecessary temperature of 700 degrees Fahrenheit, which is ironically enough the exact temperature of Shame.


Beebo was an animal of indeterminate species. He seemed to be a cross between a lizard, a bird, and some sort of gassy rodent. His views on politics were extremely controversial, but his true passion was sucking the eyeballs out of children and the elderly, as these were evidently considered a delicacy on his planet. Beebo’s staggering student loan debts brought many collectors to whatever house he called his home, and though he would frequently clog the toilet with his epic movements he was never too proud to do his own plunging. Beebo slit his own throat awaiting adoption and though he left no formal suicide letter, he probably blamed it all on you.

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