Remember how I might have said I thought I saw your toddler on the roof...? 


You know you're facing jail time when the surprise witness turns out to be a blind man

I know you girls are twins but would it be possible for me to date you as a unit?

 Never underestimate the argyle sweater vest

#7. Sex On A Submarine (Hey, it's MY bucket list...)

Great news: Avocado Bulletproof has agreed to babysit the kids tonight

As the bullies beat me into oblivion I used my last breath to curse that bastard Mr. Miyagi

"Honey... Bigfoot clogged up the toilet again!"

If you run into the obese drooling bald woman who stole my microwave just tell her it’s all good...

Surgeons are just butchers who have learned how to sew

It never fails: every time I come out of a whorehouse I bump into my grandmother

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