Sorry I’m late… I was on the toilet all morning with the beefies

Nothing says nobility like Doritos on the front porch

I just think it’s nice that the road to Hell is even paved

Good hit men leave their puppies at home

I believe in God, if only to have someone to talk to during sex

 Teenage runaways make the best Denver omelets

People who use the phrase "F-Bomb" are fucking hilarious


The new maid is a deaf-mute so your guess is as good as mine

If being in a serious relationship means having to watch Sandra Bullock movies I hope I die alone and unloved

Why walk the plank when you can swan dive?

Diabetic kids really dig the grape Kool-Aid

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