A Boy's Guide To My Changing Body

Good morning sperm donors! Right now you're just a boy but soon you will be a man, or at least a close approximation. For a boy, puberty is a waking nightmare, and the subject of many horror movies, from “Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde” to “Frankenstein Vs. The Succubus from Planet Zero.” You’ll experience an all-consuming desire for women and a squeaking voice that will have them running away from you as fast as they can. (You won't appreciate the irony for years!) Your testes will plump like ballpark franks and prevent you from ever admitting fault, and your penis will stiffen, and gouge the eyes of little people. And the saddest part is that this is the prime of your life!

Him Jam
Puberty starts when your body steps up production of the hormone testosterone: add a little flour and water and you’ve got semen, a powerful adhesive and the essence of life, although entirely unappreciated by women. Semen, commonly known as jizzbah, will force you to grow a beard and make passionate love to every item in the produce section. While your neighbors lock their pets up at night you'll find new, criminal ways to unleash your spunk upon the galaxy. Rubber gloves and a jar of olives? I don't judge.

Penis Power
As you progress through puberty your penis will become a nuclear weapon, so powerful it can demolish a building, knock the sun out of orbit, or force a confession out of a murder suspect. Your penis will become a part of all living things, with its own erratic personality and unpredictable sense of humor. It will surround you, penetrate you, obey your actions, while also giving you commands. Your cock will bind the galaxy together, but you must resist the urge to name him, no matter how much he begs. As your penis grows, so will your appreciation of culture, the arts, and Jennifer Lopez' hindquarters. Get to work- you've got seed to plant!

Masturbation (or self-gratification) is natural, enjoyable, and necessary, so of course a certain segment of society despises it. Everyone masturbates, except for a small group of people known as Liars. At this stage in your life you will be masturbating constantly, and the only time you'll take a break will be to jack off. Don't worry- even if you stop masturbating your body will masturbate for you! While you’re asleep! At this point you’re probably asking if you can trade your body in for a different model. Haha… the answer is no. Your bed sheets will become one giant goo rag, and you can help Mom by burning them every week and buying a fresh set. Meanwhile, whip out your spunk-maker and beat off whenever possible: your dentist will understand.

Skunk Cabbage
Your gonads have been drinking milk, and now they’re bulked up and hanging low between your legs. They will clang audibly as you walk down the hallway, and they'll cool themselves off with a quick dip in the toilet while you’re trying to find an actual article in "ESPN: The Magazine." Your balls will increase in weight from 1/16 ounce to thirty-nine pounds apiece, and before you can say “37th Birthday” you’ll be tripping over them when you get out of the shower. There's nothing that excites a woman more than the lumpy testicle sac and it's rumpled folds of hairy flesh, so don't be afraid to pull your bag out and use it as a conversation starter.

The Meaning Of Life
There is none. But your life from this point forward will be consumed by one thing: women. That’s it. Everything you do, everywhere you go, every word you say from this point forward will be to pursue and obtain women, and the object they possess which you cannot live without. Also vagina.

Slang Guide
A boy’s penis is also referred to as:
Schlong: The Motion Picture
Jam Handy
Barnaby the Luv Wurm
The Pulper
Sensitive Timothy


How do I get rid of this constant throbbing erection?
You’ll spend the first twenty years of your life trying to get rid of that erection and the next sixty trying to get it back. Don’t be angry at Nature’s cruelty… it’s all part of life, which is really about suffering and agonizing pain. And for you it's just beginning!

No, seriously, how do I get rid of this constant throbbing erection?
The best method is masturbation, but if that is not an option just poke your aching stinger into a box of rainbow sherbet. The colors!

How do I ask a girl out on a date?
This question has plagued adolescent boys since rape became illegal nearly twenty years ago. By asking a girl out she will know that you are interested in her, at which point she will treat you as if you don’t exist. If you don’t ask her out, however, she will genuinely never know you exist. The solution is a massive collection of awe-inspiring pornography and a ten-gallon drum of Vaseline.

My face is breaking out and I just killed my parents and my thoughts are all messed up and stuff. How do I ask a girl out on a date?
Please see above.

What comes after puberty?
Just the slow march to the grave, but the scenery is nice. Now that you’ve reached manhood you’re ready to procreate and fall asleep in your easy chair watching televised golf… mazel tov!

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