A Girl's Guide To My Changing Body

So right now you're at that awkward age... you're experiencing some changes and new emotions... there’s fuzziness where it used to be smooth, and your armpits smell like a garbage strike. There's no need to worry: those budding bumps on your chest are just love-pillows, designed to entertain men while you chatter endlessly, and the red stuff between your legs is just Nature’s way of saying “strawberry jam.” This is puberty- your time to celebrate your changing body, which by your mid-forties will be completely useless.

New Snoobs
By now your chest has probably started blooming. With curves come responsibility, but you won’t understand that until the damage is done. Right now it’s time to show off your goodies and drive the boys nutty-nutty cuckoo. Your breasts will soon explode into mammoth sacks of joy that cannot be hidden no matter how hard you try to show them off. Go ahead and squeeze them… it’s healthy and they won’t break! [If you experience breast breakage please contact your Mammologist]

Your Period
Menstruation is a beautiful, natural process of the female body, and as such it should never be discussed in public. You’ll experience a monthly bleeding, known as your period, which will turn you from a sweetheart into a flesh-eating succubus from the Planet Zero. It will also get you out of a good number of meetings at work. As your hormones increase, so will your ability to find the flaws in everyone other than you. Luckily this lasts only 3-5 days a month, which will happen to coincide with your husband working late.

Your Vagina
Your vagina is where God pulled all your skin together and forgot to tie you off. As a result your vagina makes you vulnerable, and serves as the only doorway into the miracle of creation. It also resembles pink roast beef drooling cheddar cheese, but don’t worry: boys will risk their lives and buy you offensively-priced entrees just for the chance to get a peek at your sacred hoo-hah. Now would be a good time to find your clitoris, because no man ever will. Your clitoris- also known as the fun button- is the pearl shaped nub at the crest of your labia majora. Memorize the location and destroy any maps that might exist. Take the secret with you to your grave and into the afterlife.

Where Do Babies Come From?
Babies are made through the process of sexual intercourse, which consists of a man and woman mashing genitals and then being baffled by the fact that the stick is blue. Don’t worry: unwanted babies can be aborted, adopted, or sold for Amazon gift cards.

Slang Guide
A girl’s vulva is also referred to as:

A girl’s breasts are also referred to as:
Dutchess Lucinda and her twin sister Penelope
Milk Melons
Diet Dr. Pepper
Nipple Blimps


When am I ready to… you know, do it with a boy?
If you can read this sentence you’re most likely old enough.

My breasts are too big/not big enough… what should I do?
Congratulations! By finding fault with your own perfect body you have learned to complain about Everything, and you have finally become a woman!

When I get my period I feel so… bleghxhgh! What should I do?
Poetically stated, and here’s a little secret for conquering the monthly marinara: snorting heroin will give you a clean, crisp buzz, and paralyze your body from the nose down. In your haze you might imagine you're a dinosaur, or a superhero, or a superhero fighting dinosaurs. One thing's for sure: you can kiss your cramps goodbye!

Is it okay for a girl to kiss another girl?
Of course not, you filthy pervert.

Being a woman sounds like an impossible curse, full of heartbreak and suffering and pain, and being at odds with my own body... are there ANY advantages?

Free cocktails.

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